Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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