did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize