I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
