If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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