Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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