while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
