You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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