my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
