My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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