too bad you live with your parents still
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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