So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
