you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
