literally had 100 drinks last night.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
