I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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