Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
