Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
