Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
