My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
