my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
