Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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