Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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