i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
