I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
