If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
