Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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