I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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