i just had sex bonerless
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
