Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize