good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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