I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
