Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
