You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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