I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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