So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
