love makes seman taste better
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
