oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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