I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
