My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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