I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
