I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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