i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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