So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
