Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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