why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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