Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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