woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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