I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
