Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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