He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
