I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
