3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
