I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
