If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
