is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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