On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
