shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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