i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
