I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
