This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize