did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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