You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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