I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
