I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
