So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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