hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
