I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize