i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
